The Great Search

 

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.”

-I Peter 3:15

 

Why do you believe what YOU believe?

As I read this verse, I began to think to myself what would my response would be to this question. I wondered what I could say that would set me apart as someone who wasn’t caught up in religion but Jesus Christ, who wasn’t so much concerned with lifting her hand that certain way to prove how great of a Christian she really was but truly focused and humbled by the Spirit of God that so freely moves and works in her life. I want to give a response that doesn’t reflect words put eloquently together to produce that “right” answer that sounds so perfect but one that reveals honesty and what my precious all knowing, yet unfathomable Father means in my life. I want to go beyond the Sunday school answer of how Jesus died on the cross and saved me from my sin (which He absolutely did!) or the Creation argument that involves looking around and understanding that there is no way that THIS happened “by chance.” (Especially when Earth spins on an axis tilted 23 degrees, and if that axis were tilted even the littlest bit either way, then Earth would cease to exist.) No, I’m looking for something else…something deeper and more personal. And so, the search for my “right” answer began.

God gave His only Son to die for Me. Me, even though he died for all our sin, he would have died even if I were the only person to believe. Now, I understand that many have to come to the realization that the statement above is true. However, all I’m looking to do is answer the question. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to convince others that what I believe is true and how God could change their life that I forget to live, to live out my faith in an honest and confident way. When this question is asked, I want to respond honestly and with an answer that isn’t trying to persuade or attack but to love and inform. Oh, but how easy it is to want to aggressively and radically change the world! I have to start somewhere, and why not that somewhere be with me and the simple question of why? Now, back on track.

Sometimes, I get that all to familiar feeling that God is speaking and calling me to do something specific with my life. When God calls me out, I start to feel a little uncomfortable. Okay, uncomfortable is an understatement. I get that hands/body shaking, not enough air supply, heart beating so loud that you are sure anyone within 20 feet can hear, if I don’t do something then I will die…FEELING. You familiar? Even better than this, when I do obey or respond, I get this overwhelming peace and comfort. Followed by this comes an amazing happiness that I’m sure it has to be the same happiness talked about in 1 Peter 1:8. I’ve lost count the times this process has grabbed my attention, but I know it truly is incredible. There is NO way that I could just think all of that up, create the thoughts, and get a crazy chill every time I “may” think God is speaking to me. No, I am not that awesome. Good thing God is.

Struggles are a constant part of life. I struggle everyday with so many different things. However, sometimes there is that certain thing that I can’t get off my mind. I love going into Church, stumbling over a passage of Scripture, or having that random conversation with someone and being completely blown away with how whatever I hear or talk about relates directly to the issue that I’m dealing with. Encouragement and council is present all around me whether I know it or not. Good timing or God timing? I’m going to go with the latter.

Tragedy. Loss of family. Loss of a friend. Loss of a friend to unnatural means like suicide. How can God be present in that? Many claim that people run to God during tragedy because they are desperate and don’t know what I else to do. I would have to agree. Still, God is God. God can radically change the life of one by the death of another. God can bring numerous people to Christ even in the midst of death, EVEN at a funeral. A family who loses someone to suicide chooses to FIRST cling to God and announces that no matter the struggle that their faith in God will carry them through the fire. Their eyes hold a very deep hurt, but at the same time, a sense of strength, peace, and confidence is radiating as well because they know it’s not over. Tomorrow can be seen because there is peace in knowing that God is present every step of the way. All that stuff is said just to make you feel better in bad times. SERIOUSLY?! I’m not sure if I can agree. I’m a pretty weak human, and there is no way in my own power I could face tragedy alone and put on the mask of strength that assures people that I am A OKAY. No, I wish I was that strong. God can carry countless lives through the fire without flinching, so ultimately, I’m glad I have nothing to really worry about.

The peace, excitement, and joy of being obedient and resting in the arms of a Father that has my future (a plan for my absolute BEST, one that I couldn’t even come close to planning myself). I promise, the assurance God gives compares to nothing.

He never leaves me. Faith in Him never fails me. Life becomes full when I move beyond the back-and-forth… following God today, but not tomorrow, doing the whole God thing this week but not next. No, when I move to the point where I am searching and going deeper in my relationship with God more than ever before, this is when I learn the most. I have learned so much in my walk with Christ and placing my trust in Him has reaped its blessing. Though I am far from perfect and far from doing it right, I still feel God so closely moving and working in my life. It is so difficult to be a Christ follower at times and even lonely, but it is in these difficult times that I find the strength that I never knew I had. God has taught me strength, perseverance, and peace more than anything else this year. He has carried me through many tears and struggles. Friends come and go. Boyfriends come and go. Adults will disappoint me. Life will disappoint me. Point being, no one should be on “the pedestal” but the one who will never disappoint. Faith in Him results in spiritual blessings far more valuable than anything this world has to offer. 

The hardest part of striving to live accordingly to God’s will would have to be the part where I make the choice. The choice to say no to me and say yes to Him. Oh, and this is so not a one-time-only process. That’s another day though. I take pride in who I am and denying myself by saying I am nothing without Jesus…well, it’s easier said than done. I fall so many times. Still, God is ready to pick me up. He never gives up. Coming to the point of surrender is indescribable. It’s one of those “you had to be there” experiences. It definitely involves the process of being overwhelmed with the “I can’t breathe” feeling.

I barely touched on why God brings me such fulfillment. I couldn’t even portray God at His best even if I wanted to because…well, He’s God…so that should be self-explanatory. I’m simply searching for my answer why, and one that is honest at that. I know the search will never end as long as I’m breathing.

So, why do I believe what I believe? I guess the better question is, how could I not? Until then, I’ll still be searching.