Hmmm…

Well, another month has passed. Ha! At least WordPress doesn’t kick me off or something after a too long time period of “inactivity.” Well, I am sitting in my bed in the lovely FLORIDA… and I should be typing my English paper. Wait what?!? Papers and Florida? That doesn’t really mix now does it? That’s right. My teacher is so cool that she made a paper due the Monday after Spring Break. This is my third attempt at starting it. I think there is something in the air here that just doesn’t let it happen. We’ve had some great weather! Ohh boy. Talk about refreshing! (Oh yeah, SB09 consists of My mom, by brother, and me… I’m LIVIN IT UP in Naples, FL! Average Age: 70. Bring on the Bingo. Haha! On a serious note, I absolutely am having a great time and getting some much needed rest!)

I’m feeling extremely random.

Two things that pump me up: 1. Singing “Oh Happy Day” man… there is something about that song that makes me want to skip and smile and run and … I don’t know do happy things. 2. SPRING WEATHER… I don’t know about you, but any trace of warm weather puts me in a great mood for the rest of the day. I LOVE IT! Ohhh, Summer is close.

Okay, when you shower does the water ever burn your feet?? Not because the water is too hot… no, it’s something else. Like your feet are cold and the hot water burns them? I don’t know how to explain it, but it creates an extremely uncomfortable, tingly, hydrochloric acid burning sensation that’s not very pleasant. Anyway, ouch. That happened earlier.

I saw a Manatee today! I tried to touch it, but it swam away.

Okay Okay, I’m going to get real for a sec…

Do you ever feel like something is impossibe? Surrounding circumstances, certain people, or whatever  just make that one thing seem so unattainable or unable to be accomplished. There’s a certain something on my mind that I just can’t let go of. You know how you can pray in two different ways? 1. With unshakeable faith that God will do as He promises 2. With an attitude of apathy (lazily going through the motions)… you have a problem so you pray about it… duh. Hmm… I’ve been thinking. The Power of Prayer. I say so many times “I’ll pray for you about that” and “Just pray about it” but what do I really believe? Am I saying this because I’m supposed to or because I believe it? Do I believe in the true power of prayer? God makes so many promises, and I could talk forever of the many times He has proved Himself faithful in my life. It’s pretty funny (and by funny, I mean ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS) how quick I am to doubt. Oh, I can appear to have complete assurance on the outside, but inside I’m freaking out. There are certain somethings that seem too big… too impossible… Ha! God’s breaking me of this big time. He’s getting to the core where I have no choice but to put my full assurance in Him. It’s awesome! I love it. And, really, I have to make it a daily reminder. Intentionally praying that I will see His promise fulfilled. A quote from Charles Spurgeon puts all the scatter-brained ramble above into very put together sentences…

“God’s promises,” He wrote, “were never meant to be thrown aside as waste paper, he intended that they should be used. Nothing pleases our Lord better than to see his promises put into circulation. He loves to see his children bring them up to him and say, “Lord, do as you promised.” We glorify God when we plead his promises. Do you think that God will be any poorer for giving you the riches he has promised? Do you dream that he will be any the less holy for giving holiness to you? Do you imagine he will be any less pure for washing you from your sins? He has said, “ Come now, let us reason together,” says the Lord, “ though your sins are like scarlet they shall be white as snow, although they are red as crimson that shall be like wool.” Faith embraces the promise of pardon, it doesn’t delay saying, “This is a precious promise, I wonder if it’s true?” But goes straight to the throne with it and pleads, “ Lord, here is the promise, do as you promised.” Our Lord replies, “Be it to you even as you will.” When a Christian grasps a promise but doesn’t take it to God, God is dishonored. But when one hastens to the throne of grace and cries, “Lord, I have nothing to recommend me but this, you have said it,” then the desire shall be granted. Our heavenly banker delights to cash his own notes. Never let the promise rust. Draw the word of promise out of its sheath and use it with holy violence. Do not think that God will be troubled by you impertinently reminding him of his promises. He loves to hear the loud outcries of needy souls. It is his delight to give favors. He is more ready to hear than you are to ask. It is God’s nature to keep his promises. Therefore, go to the throne at once with, “Do as you promised.”

Just some thoughts.

One last one… “Look at your problems in the light of God’s power instead of looking at God in the shadow of your problems.” woahhh. ponder that one for a while.

The Now

Yes. I am alive. Cough Heather Cough. 🙂 Sorry! I’ve been busy, and these kinds of things have to just come to me. Haha! Okay Okay, I basically just haven’t had the time. I wish I was a more consistent blogger. I’ll start working on that. Let me try to catch you up a little bit…

• College = busy. Time FLIES here!  I love college life… not so much the college classes… go figure. But COME ONE! Organic Chemistry?!?!?!? Really? I don’t understand when I’ll need that kind of information and thats even IF I can manage to remember it. I’m loving the painfully cold weather and the mile walk to class. 🙂 Ok no complaining. BUT IT’S FREEZING out there. I can’t wait for some of that Spring weather! Wooo! For real though, I am loving it in Knoxtown. God is good.
• Christmas break was incredible! It was just what I needed. I got a great break from school and enjoyed good time with friends and family! Plus, I went to Florida with my family… family vacations are few are far between… so I enjoyed every minute of it!
  

  LOOK! Look at that!!!! It's my absolute favorite place to be!!!!!!!

  So, needless to say. My break was just the best. 

Now… to the now. I can only ramble on so long about the little details of my life without thinking I’m boring you. So, let’s talk about the “good stuff.” GOD IS SO GOOD. He has just amazed me in my first year of college. Everyone told me that that first year will change you, grow you, shock you,… you can fill in the blank… but I just did not fully understand what that meant until I walked through it. Life is so unpredictable and so just “wow” sometimes. Did that even make sense? Okay. Basically, I am just completely speechless when I look back at a year ago and right now. I feel like two different people. I know that might sound a little extreme considering I’m nineteen years old. But really, I do, and I cannot wait to see how He is going to continue to break, mold, teach, and grow me. Walking with God is just one of the most amazing, fulfilling, breath-taking, painful, joyful, heart-breaking, healing, mind-blowing rides ever! I’m reading A Call to Die by David Nasser. It’s a 40 day journey and fast. AMAZING. If you’re looking for something to slap you HARD in the face, I highly recommend it. 

“Now we know the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” -2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Talk about one of my verses of the year! Paige Meadows… planner, worrier, over-analyzer… God has broken me of so much. I have never experienced God’s freedom like I am now. I try too many times to figure everything out on my own, and you know… ask God for guidance, half-heartedly, every now and then. He has used this year to just completely rock my perspective on EVERYTHING. Using different experiences and circumstances, I can look back and see how he was using them (happy ones and painful ones) to slowly but surely build my faith and confidence in Him. A lot of this was happening without me even knowing it!!!!! Our God is such a patient God. He cares so much about each and every one of us. Seriously, I can look back at certain decisions or attitudes that I have had, and I just wonder how God didn’t throw up His hands and say, “COME ON! What more can I say or do!?!?!?! I give up!” Nope, He NEVER gives up on us, and EACH and EVERY little detail about our lives all works together for the good and towards his PERFECT plan for our lives. He even uses all our screw-ups, big and small, for the good. That’s just amazing. When our FULL trust is in Christ, there is such freedom. What a relief! I have no reason to try and control anything because He’s got it. He’s GOT IT! Even if I try and work it out on my own, I’m wasting time and energy because He’s GOT IT! He gives us everything we need. I’ve never felt like this before. Free of stress and worry and thoughts of tomorrow. What if I don’t get into nursing school? Who am I going to marry? What if.. what if… HA! GOD’S GOT THIS! This is so huge for me. I don’t know how many times I have prayed to just “Let it all Go.” God has used so much to teach me what Freedom in Christ really means. Life is so much more joyful b/c nothing can touch the joy I have in Christ when I truly understand everything that happens is apart of His perfect plan. Now, I can finally really unleash all control! I just feel so free! The NOW is all that matters. SO thats where I am right NOW. 

       “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed DAY by DAY.”                  -2 Cor. 4:16

God provides for the day. In one of the days in A Call to Die talks about “God’s Curriculum” for our lives… it’s pretty awesome. I can’t lie.

He gives us:

1. enough JOY to encourage us
2. enough LOVE to strengthen us
3. enough SUCCESS to build our confidence
4. enough SUFFERING to force us to depend on him
5. enough CONFUSION to make us seek his face

Basically, nothing that comes our way is by chance. Yes, we all know this as well as many other of the “right answers.” I was missing the attitude and heart though. I had the head knowledge, but my heart and attitude struggled. I just had to give it up. It’s so freeing! I love it! Once I made up my mind to not try so hard, to really understand everything that comes my way is a part of the journey, to trust God will never leave me hanging in the balance, and to see EVERYTHING as an opportunity to grow, learn, and seek… it just kind of made me want to scream from the top of a mountain…

FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go….

http://patdanielsmith.blogspot.com/

Go now. Take time to read. Incredible testimony.

The Truth

Wow! It has been too long! Sorry! I wish I was a more consistent blogger…but…eh, what can you do? Lately, my mind has just been full, and life has been so so busy. My first semester of college is flying by, and God has taught me more than I could have ever imagined in such a short time. He has definitely rocked my world!

Do you know what I just don’t understand? After a “mountaintop” experience” or a time when God has been so close to my broken heart, right there with me, loving and teaching me, through my “desert”- how easy it was to fall into discouragement that snuck into my my everyday life. I’m not talking about some “big thing” happening. No, I mean the little things, that if we are caught off guard, can cause a lot of damage. I think this is one of Satan’s greatest tools. Tragic events do happen and can serve as turning points in our lives. I can think of a lot of personal, life-changing events… many of them tragic ones. It seems that when things like this happen, we are quick to turn to God. He is our answer through those unbelievably tough times and for a lot of us, this is a time when we really learn to love more, grow deeper, and live better. But, what is our response to the everyday discouragement that so quickly creeps in our daily life?

…. That grade on that test was not what I wanted or deserved. Why won’t it “click” with my friend that I have been consistently praying for? Why can’t I just let go of that grudge? How come I stress out? Why do I feel like life is just piling on top of me? How am I going to get all of this done? It is cold and rainy! Why am I not more appreciated? Why can’t God just lay it out for me? What do I need to do? Why doesn’t he like me? Why am i so tired? Why am I having such a hard time connecting with my family?….

The list of those daily, discouraging thoughts can go on and on and on. Do you ever just feel bogged down by life? Why am I not quick to answer with Christ to these problems? I think these little thoughts are one of the greatest attackers of our joy. We have to be on our A game at all times!

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” -2 Cor. 10:5

So, I was thinking of just how easily I forget Christ’s power in my own life. Key word: CHRIST’S power. Not my own. Do I give him the credit He deserves? Thinking of all that Christ has DONE for me… how does “the good news” ever get old? I was listening to a sermon titled “Living Like Jesus is Real.” I was just humbled and pretty much smacked in the face (don’t you just love that?) by the truth of this message. How do I ever become comfortable? If I’m comfortable with where I am, then something is WRONG! If we don’t continually view Christ for who He truly is… we are forsaking Him… we are forsaking life… we are forsaking complete joy. I have sung “Jesus your name is power. Breath and Living Water” too many times to count. Thinking about the words… the truth of the words… I was just struck with how much it was being displayed in my life. Not so much.  As I thought of the discouragement that has been getting me down, I had a rush of just awfulfeelingness wash over me. Where is my humility for the cross? How in THE WORLD did I forget that I am more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ. Have I lost my mind!?!?! To say the least, it was a GREAT, humbling night. We can’t let the little things of life steal our joy. Sometimes, I focus solely on preparing for, surviving, and reflecting on the huge storms in life, that I ignore the rain that sets in everyday. Christ covered us in full. Big and Small things. I gotta start living like it! 

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all our anxiety on him because he cares for you.” -1 Peter 5:6-7

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ – the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” -Philippians 3:7-11

On a lighter note, it is getting so cold outside!!!! I miss my one minute walk into High School!!!!! Woooo…. I love that wind chill on the mile walk to class!!! My face is completely numb when I get to class….okay my whole body…and then it’s a furnace in the building. So, it’s a process of continually bundling up and bundling down. Hey, I’m never comfortable…so it’s a good thing….right?  Haha! Did you know my favorite season is summer? But cold weather means Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner. ELF AND THE GRINCH!!!!!! I am looking forward to popping those in and sipping some Hot Chocolate! WOOO!!!!!! Plus I’ll be home!!!!! I miss all of you! (Miss JENN! CAN WE WATCH MOVIES….”make gingerbread houses… eat cookie dough as fast as we can… and and maybe even hold hands!!!???” 🙂 Britt! I love you! Kels…coloring date soon….and HEATHER!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! AND MISS YOU A TON! will you buy my some lip plumper?) Alright, I must stop procrastinating….seeing how I have so much to do! Peace out girl scout! 

 

The Small Things

“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?” -Isaiah 43:18-19

Sometimes, I feel that I get so caught up in the big things that God has done in my life. Not that there is anything wrong with that, because when God blesses, He should most definitely be praised. But, sometimes, I hold on a little too tightly to past “WOWS.” I look backwards rather than forwards. You know, there are those big things… God was so evident even when I felt completely lost and unsure of where I was going. God uplifted me throughout that tragedy and time of hopelessness. When I thought I could go no farther, God carried me the rest of the way. What a great week/weekend of learning and focusing completely on God (camps/retreats). I’m talking about the mountaintop experiences, here. They are the ones we like to cling to, the ones that bring such joy and assurance in Him. Well, what about when we are just going about our everyday lives? I have felt such a challenge lately to acknowledge and seek God in the small things. Don’t get me wrong. There are things from the past that should not be completely disregarded. A lot of our own story can be an encouragement to others, and we can also draw on the times when God has provided to encourage us to remain faithful through other hard times. However, I’m talking about when I’m in the midst of my daily routine. I have recently come off the mountain, and I’m tempted to go into post-mountaintop syndrome (PMTS). I want to feel what I felt THERE (on my God mountain) right NOW! It involves a lot of stomping and whining. Someone call James Dobson. I can be so spoiled! At the end of the day, I want to look back, at not just the big things He did a year ago, but the small things He did today. I take a too much for granted. God is present in every situation. 

So, what is God doing in my life right now?

Well, I made it through my first month of college! Hoorah! (That was my recent mountain… a lot of growing!) Now, I am learning to wait expectantly. He’s right in front of me. I just need to turn around. I am surrounded by some great friends who build me up in Christ and love disney movies just as much as I do! There are many ways to get involved on campus to help feed the flame. I absolutely love the fall weather that’s slowly creeping in! Ayers (my math building – no AC) is not so miserable and neither is the trek to class! I’m a nursing major right now… tough stuff. I’m just trying to not get overwhelmed with life! Striving to remain whole-heartedly surrendered to what God want to do with my plans… future… life… day, I’m just-a waiting! God is alive friends! He deserves more credit for the small things. 

A little laugh for all of you….

So, I’m kind of obsessed with The Desert Song by Hillsong right now…

“This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be empited again
The seed I’ve recieved I will sow”

I love it! Anyway, so I’m walking back from class (lot of people) …jammin’ out to some great music. I trip on the sidewalk. It totally could have been a small unnoticed stumble if MY BACKPACK HADN’T FLOWN OVER MY HEAD! I fall down…down…down. Out of my control. My ankle was rolled, and I really really felt like a Freshman….in High School. It gave plenty of people (including the construction workers in the truck I fell right in front of) a good laugh. I mean, I’m a huge dork, and I make a habit out of falling, so I knew it was coming. 

Haha! Well, I hope all of you are doing well! I’m coming home this weekend, and I can’t wait to see some faces that I have missed!!!!! (Miss Jenn Miss Jenn…you better be home!!!)

Well Hello!

Current Obsession: Emperor’s New Groove. I love Kronk. Why yes, I am a Freshman in college.

Anyway, if you wanna see what’s currently going on visit the LHBC Girl’s Ministry blog on the blogroll! Hope all of you guys are doing well! 🙂

I Stand Amazed.

 

It has been so long!!! I am so excited to finally be posting again! These past three weeks have felt like months!!!! So much has happened. I am now a resident in Knoxville, TN! I absolutely love it! There is quite a bit of adjusting, but so far so good. Where do I even begin?

The weeks leading up to move-out/in day have been stressful, scary, nervous, exciting….the list goes on. Of course the emotional roller coaster is, as everyone told me, “ABSOLUTELY NORMAL.” I just had a really difficult time not being in control and having no idea what to exactly expect. God screwed up my plans from a year ago. Seriously, I had my surreal plan of rooming with my best friend and having a boyfriend as I headed into college. Talk about the security in that. Just a tip, never plan without room for some proofreading from God. Yes, He is a way better writer, but I still wanted it my way! God stripped me of both the best friend roomie and the boyfriend. Yep, it was an emotional summer. I knew with all of my heart that God wanted me…ALL of me. I was sure of it, and had complete peace about where I was headed. Still, it was not easy. The suspense leading up to leaving was enough to kill me. Okay, slight exaggeration. God had all of me though. I was resting in Him completely, and I felt completely assured as well as terrified. I know that He never fails me, but I’m human and, of course, still had my doubts. However, I planned to enter college with my eyes wide open because I did not want to miss any part of the changes God had made to this next chapter in my life.

College life is insane! It is so busy, and just a totally different environment. I love the fast pace, and the excitement of hanging out all of the time, but it is a huge adjustment! Well the first week was very up and down. I rushed (sorority stuff) with an open mind and to just check it out. I ended up joining one, and I am really excited about it! Yes, they have their reputations, and people feel differently about them, but I am really excited about it. (This is huge for me. I made a decision based on what I felt God and I wanted…I ALWAYS let other people influence me, and this time, I had no problem holding true to me!) Well, our first meeting, we opened with a Bible Verse and prayer. YAY! I also met two girls from the same area as me who are a lot like me in their beliefs and values.  Even though Monday was the “first night out” for girls who had been rushing, me and quite of few others from my sorority went to crossroads (Campus Ministry Service for students) together. I was so excited!!!! It was an awesome time of worship and learning!

God is so faithful. I say all this…and give you all the pointless little details to tell you that God is ALIVE and WELL! He cares about every little detail in my life. I have felt him so close these past few weeks, which have definitely not been the easiest! He has carried me through. I have so many weaknesses, and I entered this time in my life with complete dependence on Him.

“That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

-2 Corinthians 12:10

In what I would have thought to be my weakest moment, I felt the strongest. Scared to death, I rested in the only one who can give me peace. God is so so FAITHFUL! I can’t even begin to describe or explain to you what joy there is in trusting Him and having no one but Him to put all of your security in. He will surely bless you! I feel such peace and joy right now, and I am so excited to see what God is going to continue to do. Even though there is great difficulty in remaining completely faithful through the times of testing, I must persevere and hold tight to the truth of who He is. His blessing and joy make it completely worth it!

 

I miss all of you and hope you’re doing well!!!!

 

What’s the game plan??

No matter how many times I try to be that spontaneous girl who lives only in the moment without a worry of what tomorrow may be like, I seem to always drift back to my calendar, which then leads to the endless thoughts of (dun dun dun) THE FUTURE. I love to know the “game plan” at all times. Now, I’m not OCD about all the little details (I can handle going to lunch “there” rather than “here.”), but the big things in life, when they are unknown, impose such stress in my life. Really, I am the one who controls how much I let it affect me, but it is probably one of my biggest struggles. However, God doesn’t stop spiritually stretching me. There are so many times when He has completely broken me of all fear and anxiety in which I have no choice but to absolutely rest in Him. It is a reoccurring and far from pleasant process, but I love knowing God is at work. Traveling the bumpy road is worth arriving to the place of peace.

So, my worries definitely get the best of me many a time, but God is always faithful. He never gives up on me, which blows my mind. I mean it’s like teaching a kid (let’s say they are 9) how to ride a- no, more like how to roll a boll over and over and over again. Am I really that dumb? Yes. You would think I would have learned by now. Dumb human. Whew, I’m glad God is patient. Well, currently, my worry is college. Oh, and I have heard about everything there is to know about college, and I really do know that it will work out and I am going to love it! And I will change and learn so much and it is normal to be nervous, and, and…and…. Still, it’s the whole unknown factor that always gets me. I am a planner, remember? (oh, and there are a few other factors that played into my unsure feelings). Well, as I tried to turn to everyone else in the world rather than God about my fear, the feeling only grew, and I became quite the anxious one.

It really amazes me how much God really seeks my trust and faith. He really desires for us to whole-heartedly love and depend on Him. Persistence. Once again, I came to the point of complete brokenness and surrender. I finally felt rest. I was holding on so tightly to so many things that I knew weren’t dependable and would not fulfill me. How easy it was to let go. I just had to be willing. It was also like no matter what I wanted, His purpose was the one that would win. I had no choice, but to just give it up. I really have no idea why I was trying so hard to control everything when life is easiest resting on the one who knows exactly what to do. Yes yes, easier said than done. Bottom line, when this problem arises, I always end with the same answer. There’s a verse that really spoke truth and peace into my life. It was one of those moments where I was sure God was talking directly to me.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but it will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” 

-Isaiah 55:9-11

Whew! Thank goodness! How reassuring is that? He always meets me at my point of need no matter how big or small. I’m really learning who to run to first with the issues. Every time He breaks me, I learn something new and refreshing. He’s one to never disappoint or come up short. As I continue to seek Him and not so much His will, I’m being renewed day by day.

Overall, when it comes down to it, who needs the “game plan” when you can rest in God’s plan whether you know all the details or not?

The Great Search

 

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.”

-I Peter 3:15

 

Why do you believe what YOU believe?

As I read this verse, I began to think to myself what would my response would be to this question. I wondered what I could say that would set me apart as someone who wasn’t caught up in religion but Jesus Christ, who wasn’t so much concerned with lifting her hand that certain way to prove how great of a Christian she really was but truly focused and humbled by the Spirit of God that so freely moves and works in her life. I want to give a response that doesn’t reflect words put eloquently together to produce that “right” answer that sounds so perfect but one that reveals honesty and what my precious all knowing, yet unfathomable Father means in my life. I want to go beyond the Sunday school answer of how Jesus died on the cross and saved me from my sin (which He absolutely did!) or the Creation argument that involves looking around and understanding that there is no way that THIS happened “by chance.” (Especially when Earth spins on an axis tilted 23 degrees, and if that axis were tilted even the littlest bit either way, then Earth would cease to exist.) No, I’m looking for something else…something deeper and more personal. And so, the search for my “right” answer began.

God gave His only Son to die for Me. Me, even though he died for all our sin, he would have died even if I were the only person to believe. Now, I understand that many have to come to the realization that the statement above is true. However, all I’m looking to do is answer the question. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to convince others that what I believe is true and how God could change their life that I forget to live, to live out my faith in an honest and confident way. When this question is asked, I want to respond honestly and with an answer that isn’t trying to persuade or attack but to love and inform. Oh, but how easy it is to want to aggressively and radically change the world! I have to start somewhere, and why not that somewhere be with me and the simple question of why? Now, back on track.

Sometimes, I get that all to familiar feeling that God is speaking and calling me to do something specific with my life. When God calls me out, I start to feel a little uncomfortable. Okay, uncomfortable is an understatement. I get that hands/body shaking, not enough air supply, heart beating so loud that you are sure anyone within 20 feet can hear, if I don’t do something then I will die…FEELING. You familiar? Even better than this, when I do obey or respond, I get this overwhelming peace and comfort. Followed by this comes an amazing happiness that I’m sure it has to be the same happiness talked about in 1 Peter 1:8. I’ve lost count the times this process has grabbed my attention, but I know it truly is incredible. There is NO way that I could just think all of that up, create the thoughts, and get a crazy chill every time I “may” think God is speaking to me. No, I am not that awesome. Good thing God is.

Struggles are a constant part of life. I struggle everyday with so many different things. However, sometimes there is that certain thing that I can’t get off my mind. I love going into Church, stumbling over a passage of Scripture, or having that random conversation with someone and being completely blown away with how whatever I hear or talk about relates directly to the issue that I’m dealing with. Encouragement and council is present all around me whether I know it or not. Good timing or God timing? I’m going to go with the latter.

Tragedy. Loss of family. Loss of a friend. Loss of a friend to unnatural means like suicide. How can God be present in that? Many claim that people run to God during tragedy because they are desperate and don’t know what I else to do. I would have to agree. Still, God is God. God can radically change the life of one by the death of another. God can bring numerous people to Christ even in the midst of death, EVEN at a funeral. A family who loses someone to suicide chooses to FIRST cling to God and announces that no matter the struggle that their faith in God will carry them through the fire. Their eyes hold a very deep hurt, but at the same time, a sense of strength, peace, and confidence is radiating as well because they know it’s not over. Tomorrow can be seen because there is peace in knowing that God is present every step of the way. All that stuff is said just to make you feel better in bad times. SERIOUSLY?! I’m not sure if I can agree. I’m a pretty weak human, and there is no way in my own power I could face tragedy alone and put on the mask of strength that assures people that I am A OKAY. No, I wish I was that strong. God can carry countless lives through the fire without flinching, so ultimately, I’m glad I have nothing to really worry about.

The peace, excitement, and joy of being obedient and resting in the arms of a Father that has my future (a plan for my absolute BEST, one that I couldn’t even come close to planning myself). I promise, the assurance God gives compares to nothing.

He never leaves me. Faith in Him never fails me. Life becomes full when I move beyond the back-and-forth… following God today, but not tomorrow, doing the whole God thing this week but not next. No, when I move to the point where I am searching and going deeper in my relationship with God more than ever before, this is when I learn the most. I have learned so much in my walk with Christ and placing my trust in Him has reaped its blessing. Though I am far from perfect and far from doing it right, I still feel God so closely moving and working in my life. It is so difficult to be a Christ follower at times and even lonely, but it is in these difficult times that I find the strength that I never knew I had. God has taught me strength, perseverance, and peace more than anything else this year. He has carried me through many tears and struggles. Friends come and go. Boyfriends come and go. Adults will disappoint me. Life will disappoint me. Point being, no one should be on “the pedestal” but the one who will never disappoint. Faith in Him results in spiritual blessings far more valuable than anything this world has to offer. 

The hardest part of striving to live accordingly to God’s will would have to be the part where I make the choice. The choice to say no to me and say yes to Him. Oh, and this is so not a one-time-only process. That’s another day though. I take pride in who I am and denying myself by saying I am nothing without Jesus…well, it’s easier said than done. I fall so many times. Still, God is ready to pick me up. He never gives up. Coming to the point of surrender is indescribable. It’s one of those “you had to be there” experiences. It definitely involves the process of being overwhelmed with the “I can’t breathe” feeling.

I barely touched on why God brings me such fulfillment. I couldn’t even portray God at His best even if I wanted to because…well, He’s God…so that should be self-explanatory. I’m simply searching for my answer why, and one that is honest at that. I know the search will never end as long as I’m breathing.

So, why do I believe what I believe? I guess the better question is, how could I not? Until then, I’ll still be searching.